Work was stressful today. I was fighting to keep myself planted in my chair and not just leaving early. I needed some quiet time and pretty stuff to look at. So I texted my husband that I wasn't coming home right away and headed to Hobby Lobby. No joke, this is my "Target". I will walk every. single. aisle. in that place. I wallowed in the fall seasonal section, completed avoided Christmas town, and headed to my fave section, the wall decor. Specifically the kid section. This is my dream space. Picturing all the items I like on display in our nursery nook and what saying means the most and the color scheme.... love it. But not today. Oh, I did my browsing and dreaming, and then the emotion pit tried to open up and swallow me whole. Friends, that craving for motherhood and the struggle of the wait( and stupid PMS) let the hurt right in. I felt it heavy. As the tears started to well up I took this picture and got out of dodge. Sometimes it's like this. Rarely, but sometimes. It's not a jealousy feeling or doubt that it will happen for us or anger that it hasn't happened yet. It's an empty weight, a heaviness, knowing something is not complete yet. I felt it full today and just wanted you all to know that it's ok to feel that too. I know I'm not the only one in this boat and I know that one day I will look back on this moment as a mother and remember the journey and how it was worth it all. But I had a hard time seeing that today. This was just a "low" day and that's what I will chalk it up to. Thanks for sticking around and reading my mess. It's time for this chick to go to bed. Tomorrow is a new day!

Day 6 for #knittogetherbyadoption was CHANGE. Right now I feel like changes are slow. It's probably because I'm anticipating and have been wishing for big changes in our lives for quite some time. I have noticed small changes in my husband thru this. Seeing his desire to be a daddy more and more and talking about those things is different for us and I love it. I'm working on changing me, my body, to be a healthier stronger mama. (And also with hope that maybe this weight loss will counter my PCOS) .

I haven't gotten any odd reactions regarding us pursuing adoption. In fact, we have a lot of loving family and friends cheering us on. We have, however, gotten a lot of questions about why we are going the route we are instead of this way or that. Probably the main reaction that we get from people is shock in how much adoption can cost and all the paperwork involved. They then want to know why don't you foster to adopt or adopt older children or anything else that reduces the amount of money. My reply: that's just not the path God has us on. It's all His, so if he wants us to pay $15k or $30k, He will have to make it happen! 😋 And He is, slowly but surely.

Emotional Labour- I know that this comes in different forms depending on what your journey is. I also know that this is not only secluded to foster/adoptive parents. Here is what is going on with me: I may never ever experience the physical travail that is child birth. But I feel the fatigue, the anticipation, the hope, the worry, the stress, the fear, and one day I will feel the complete joy and love that erases the rest of everything that has been endured in this process. I fluctuate between patient calmness as we wait for our baby to grow in another woman's body and impatient fear about the what if's what if not's. The one thing about this type of Labour is here is no time line to be sure of. Somewhere there is a woman counting down 40 weeks. For me, her 40 weeks may not have even started or it could be almost complete. I don't know. God knows. And there is certainly peace in that.

Day 3: FAITH. I have a ring from Origami Owl that has 3 charms in it, cross, key, adoption symbol. I love this piece of jewelry. It's a constant reminder to me that "Faith is the key in adoption." Faith is what gets you through the hard wait, the financial stress, the unknowns that this process is filled with. Faith keeps you going knowing that God has it all in control and that no matter what I go through, it will be well worth it. Faith will be what gets us through the trials that are sure to come. Faith in the One who created the very idea of adoption and placed that desire in our hearts will surely get us to the point where He has made it all come to fruition. 

The Knit Together By Adoption instagram community does these prompts once or twice a year. You post a photo and discuss the topic for the day and how it relates to adoption for you. I did not complete this but did want to share the posts that I did make.

5 things.... 5 little things I am looking forward to for when we first become parents: 1) Being able to say "yes, this is my child" instead of " no, I'm just their aunt, but I would claim them any time!" 2) Taking the obligatory photo of daddy and baby nap time. 3) the smell of my freshly bathed babe 4) all the cuddles 5) over-gramming photos on IG to show Gods provision and blessing!