You know how in high school or college you are supposed to put together your 5 or 10 year plan? You are expected to set attainable goals so that you meet your mark by the specified time. I always sucked at this. Seriously. I am not a goal setter. My mind wanders too frequently to stay focused on anything too long, unless I am reading an interesting novel or working something crafty.
I'm a dreamer. Kris dreamed with me too. We had everything worked out. After we got married, the first 3 years would be just us having fun and living life. Then we would buy a house and have our first child. 2-3 years later, we would have our second child. Then we would work on adopting our China doll. It was a perfect dream.
Then reality set in.
Year 3 came with moving into our new home. We were right on track. I stopped taking birth control and nothing happened for six months. Then at the end of the summer of '08, I saw 2 lines show up on the pregnancy tester. 2 LINES! The second one was fainter than the first but the package said that was normal. I woke Kris up early that morning to tell him because it was way too exciting for anyone to be sleeping. I called the doc to book my first appointment. I grabbed a journal and instantly wrote down everything I was feeling about the new possibility of being a mother. We told our parents and all our friends the good news by the end of the day.
Three days later, Kris and I were at the pet store looking at all the adoptable puppies. As we were walking around, I suddenly didn't feel right. I went to the bathroom and came back out to let Kris know we needed to go to the ER. I was beyond freaking out internally. I just kept praying that everything would be fine...that this was normal and their would be no issue. Waiting in the ER was torture. When we were finally taken to an exam room, my blood was drawn and then we waited for the doctor. I tried to stay calm and not worry as we watched the little TV in the exam room, except I couldn't cease the silent stream of tears that just kept coming. The doctor came back and said my HCG levels were present but extremely low. He confirmed that if I had been pregnant, I wasn't any longer, and my heart broke.
When I saw my OB doctor later that week, she figured that the pregnancy had failed prior to my testing which equated to the faint second line.
Three. Days. That's how long I had to believe that I would be a mother. In that time, I had already dreamed and prayed for my baby's life, salvation, milestones...etc. It's amazing the amount love that I instantly felt and the amount of sorrow that came with it. I thank God I had only known for three days because that loss in itself felt unbearable to deal with. I can only imagine the grief that so many couples endure with their own failed pregnancies that had known, and even felt, for much longer.
I have not had a positive pregnancy test since.
I have struggled with this but I keep getting reminded how God has everything in control. He knows my desires. He placed the "mothering" instinct in me. He surrounded me with tons of children in my life as an Aunt, youth worker, and Sunday School teacher. And he has continued to burden my heart for adoption. I was reintroduced to the verses below recently and they are completely true. He loves me and Kris and knows our hearts and is directing our steps towards good things.
Isa 55:8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.
Isa 55:9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
2 comments
You couldn't have a bigger cheer leader than me. As much as I love you, God loves you perfectly. Whoever God sends you both is going to be one lucky little angel. Love & prayers always <3
ReplyDeleteI really relate to your story and love you . We need to sit down over waffle fries and pop rocks sometime so I won't cry. No one can eat waffle fries and pop rocks and cry at the same time, it's some kind of law I think! . It is such an emotional journey with a lot of twists and turns but you both are amazzzzzzzing! Also Blogger saved my life, emotionally. I started writing on it during a very dark spot, but I always just wrote humor posts. And you thought I was ONLY cra cra in real life!! Nope... www.invisibleseductress.blogspot.com if you want proof. I believe this blog will be a powerful resource for you. Prayers and hugs and good things ahead, I know it! >^.^<
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